Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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