Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
