dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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