my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Will exercising make me less horny?
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