My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
