just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
