the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
