I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its not stalking. its research.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
