mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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