oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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