She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
