I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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