Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
