So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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