apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
