I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
