Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
