Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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