I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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