HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
