Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
