Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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