She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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