So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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