she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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