Have you finally orgasmed yet?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
