my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
