im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
