It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
