I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
