I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
