Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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