i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
