She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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