Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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