and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
