Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
