dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
