I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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