i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
