I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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