Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
