youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
