Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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