Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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