Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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