i jhust puked up my retainher.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
