Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
