god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
