if i can run in heels then i can drive
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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