Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
