I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
