haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This show inspires me to have sex in space
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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