I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
how does that bad decision feel?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
