And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We are two peas in an std pod
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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