Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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