Just mADE A PArabola og urine
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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